Pants on Fire
by jyj
Summary: NARUINO: "you lied to me. and now, i’m going to set your pants on fire.” despite the chaos of highschool love triangles, stuffed bras and perverted remarks by ino, naruto still doesn’t get the girl in the end. no, he gets someone better.
1. Him and Her

**Title:** Liar Liar Pants on Fire  
**By:** orenjii-smile  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, and never will be. ): All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**  
Pairings: **Naruto x Ino is the main pairing.  
**Warnings: **PG-13, Language, My retarded jokes ;D  
**Genres: **Comedy, Romance, _Drama_, Action  
**Summary: **"_You_ _lied to me. And now, I'm going to set your pants on fire_." Despite the chaos of highschool love triangles, stuffed bras and perverted remarks by Ino, Naruto _still_ doesn't get the girl in the end. Instead, he gets someone even better. (Naruto x Ino)

**AUTHORS NOTE:**  
I am currently trying a new style of writing.  
And a very short glossary, just in case:

_Ojii-san_ – Used to address an elderly man

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**00. PR0L0GUE;  
**- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Once upon an all too perky (and early) Monday morning (the birds were at it, chirping and all), Uzumaki Naruto (age 17, really good looking—got the whole FOB English down 'n all, and so totally _not_ single except for the fact that his significant other didn't know she was his significant other, _yet_) was riding the bus, something he rarely did since he was rich and wealthy and all that wonderful sparkly jazz that comes along with lots of green and fancy credit cards, to (hell / prison / place where life is sucked out of you / etc.) school.

(He had actually gone up to the bus driver and asked him if he accepted Master Card or Visa. Needless to say, the driver had something to laugh about for the rest of the day. Maybe share with his buddies over the little intercom thingies.)

Normally, a day like this would have just been forgotten and buried under the dust of the many days that would soon follow. Naruto realized early on that life was just like an alarm clock (preferably a Fox-shaped one): wash, lather, rinse, and then repeat the entire damned process again when the hands strike 6:30am, until one day you realize that _your_ time has run out (and then you piss and moan and regret all things you _have_ done and then piss and moan some more and regret all the things you _haven't_).

However, like how most stories start, this wasn't a normal day. It could've been if he had woken up just five minutes earlier and begged for a ride to school on his dad's limo or something. Argh, stupid alarm clocks and their tendency to break when thrown against the wall. _His _limo just _had _to break down in front of the freaking bus stop. It was times like these when he regretted getting that fucking (sweet) Mercedes for his sixteenth birthday. What was the point if he didn't have a damned license? How was he supposed to show off his super sweet ride? Damn it all.

Anyway.

He should've seen it coming. He really should have. It must've been because he didn't go to church enough (but there had been this embarrassing incident when he was eight involving his bible and Lee's Christening robes and lots of fire and then lots of yelling in the middle of the church, at him, courtesy of his _step_-mother), or because he had _those_ kind of web sites on his computer, saved in his favourites file, under the folder name "Konohamaru's Favourite Dress up Games" (this was all uncle Jiraiya's bad influence, of course) or maybe because he had cut holes in all of Tsunade's bras again. He didn't know, he wasn't a Ninja or Moses or Jesus or whoever the damn hell could read minds.

"Yah, Ojii-san if you're going to try to peek down my blouse, at least be less obvious about it." Some lady with a fairly well endowed chest area yelled at the man standing in front of her (Naruto wanted to smack her silly for speaking so bloody loudly in the friggen morning). The girl had a nice body, he had to admit. Bonus points for the long hair. Too bad she lacked an ass. A girl was just not a girl without a nice hot juicy ass. (For Example of Nice Butt, See: Tsunade -- Paragraph Six)

However, if Naruto had known how this girl would affect his life later on, he would've stopped ogling her right at that moment and gotten off at the next stop. But he didn't. And it led to...**THAT INCIDENT**.

Okay fine, it wasn't _that_ bad.

But that was the day he'd met Yamnaka Ino.  
Yes, on the freakin' (germ-infested, disgusting, stuffy) bus.

His future best friend, drinking buddy, arch nemesis, booty call, partner in crime and all that lovely jazz.

Cheers to that.

…

(He should've taken a cab.)

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Thank you for reading everyone!  
I'm trying a new style of writing, so I hope everyone liked it!  
I really appreciate reviews!  
Comments keep me alive. ;D


	2. That Unspeakable Incident

**Title:** Liar Liar Pants on Fire  
**By:** orenjii-smile  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, and never will be. ): All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**  
Pairings: **Naruto x Ino is the main pairing. A lot of drama though.  
**Warnings: **PG-13, Language, My retarded jokes  
**Genres: **Comedy, Romance, Drama, Action  
**Summary: **"_You lied to me. And now, I'm going to set your pants on fire_." Despite the chaos of highschool love triangles, stuffed bras and perverted remarks by Ino, Naruto _still_ doesn't get the girl in the end. But instead, someone even better. (Naruto x Ino)

**AUTHORS NOTE:** I am currently trying a new style of writing.  
And a glossary, just in case (in order of appearance):

_Onee-chan _– Older sister  
_Hime _– Princess  
_Obaa-san _– Used to address an elderly woman  
_Nani_ – What?  
_Otouto_ – Younger brother

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**01. CHAPTER 0NE;  
**- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There are moments in Naruto's life when he feels like he can't breathe. It's not because Ino looks stunningly (holy mother of freaking God) _hot_ standing across from him in his room, clad in just her sexy lacy black lingerie. No, but because he is laughing too hard at her (ingenious) idea of stuffing two of her T-shirts into her grey plaid shorts so her ass will appear larger.

This was the very stupid idea that lead to … **THAT INCIDENT**.

Naruto wasn't allowed to talk about **THAT INCIDENT **much because Ino got mad whenever he did (it's not like it brought him any pleasant any memories either, sheesh). Ino wasn't all that attractive when she was mad (or when she gets out of bed in the morning. Seriously, bad breath much?). One time when Naruto was asleep, Ino stuffed two tampons up his nose, dyed his eyebrows green and put (more like slathered) make up on his face. He ended up looking like a drag queen experiment gone terribly awry. She'd often threaten to blackmail him with the pictures. Needless to say, Naruto never tried the cutting holes in bra trick on Ino _ever_ again.

Oh well. Stories were meant to be told anyway.

Ahem. So it basically went down like this:

"Should I go with Juicy Paradise Kiss Pink or Sweet Paradise Kiss Purple?" Ino asked, holding up two bottles of nail varnish and waving them in Naruto's general direction (she was still having a hard time deciding if her woman-made ass looked convincing enough. The mirror was saying yes, her butt was screaming 'I can't fucking breathe!'). "Although Candy Paradise Kiss Magenta would look great with my outfit." Ino added on as an afterthought.

"What the hell?" Naruto responded, lying on the bed and sending an odd glance at Ino before turning his gaze back up at the ceiling. "There's a difference?" (Damn Ino for making him loose count of those little bumps on the ceiling!)

"Um, yeah! Juicy Paradise Kiss Pink goes better with my eyes while Sweet Paradise Kiss Purple flatters the colour of my skin!" Ino rolled her eyes as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Um wow. Okay, well I'm glad at least I'm still normal." Naruto mumbled under his breath.

"Why thank you, I think Candy Paradise Kiss Magenta will look absolutely gorgeous on me too!" Ino smiled, eyes curving into cute crescents. She sent the mirror one more cautious glance before skipping towards Naruto on the bed, nail polish in hand.

"Oof." Naruto grunted when Ino jumped onto the bed, barely missing landing on his legs (and breaking the poor souls!). "Onee-chan, did you get heavier or is it just me?"

Ino responded by painting a small portion of his arm Skittles Heaven Kiss Maroon or whatever hell the colour was (back in Naruto's day, even if he was only 17, things were much simpler. It was either called red or blue, none of that fancy girly Shining Baby Cotton Candy Pink stuff).

"Shut up you. I'm not your real older sister. Wait, you don't even have any siblings, much less an older sister. Plus, I'm _only_ older than you by three years." Ino grumbled, kicking Naruto lightly on the shin. "Besides, I think you overfed Fluffers again, maybe that's why the bed feels heavier."

Apparently Fluffers was Ino's imaginary cat. (The girl was probably dropped on the head as a baby or something. That or maybe her parents were actually ALIENS from outer space planning to take over the world by sending extremely weird yet hot people like Ino on Earth to make friends with poor innocent people like Naruto and then sucking their brains out, therefore taking full control of the mindless bodies. Naruto was having a hard time deciding between the two.)

"There is no Fluffers here." Came Naruto's automatic response. "Most NORMAL—please note my emphasis on NORMAL—people stop having imaginary friends when they're like seven or eight."

Ino chose to ignore Naruto's comment and then proceeded to hum something that sounded vaguely like "This is the Song that Never Ends."

"So who are you going out with today?" Naruto inquired, wiggling over to bury his face in Ino's silky blonde hair. (Today she smelled like peaches. Naruto liked peaches. Yum.)

"Mmm, this guy." Ino blew on her nails before handing the nail polish bottle to Naruto. "Cap this please; I don't want to ruin my nails."

Naruto groaned in protest before capping the bottle tightly and placing it on top of his nightstand. "And all this time I thought you were into girls." Naruto said sarcastically.

"If I could date myself baby, I would." Ino retorted, smirking.

Naruto resisted the urge to make regurgitating noises at Ino. He really did. But in the end, temptation took over. (Really, what was a boy to do when opportunity was knocking?) And the next thing he knew, Ino was throwing pillows at him and getting her stupid nail polish all over his expensive silk covers.

"MY COVERS!" Naruto screamed, standing up and slapping his cheeks in horror.

"MY NAILS!" Ino wailed, gaping at her smudged nail polish.

"YAMANAKA INO!" Naruto yelled.

"UZUMAKI NARUTO!" Ino shouted back. "See I can yell really loudly and make you look like the bad guy too!" (Watching Family Guy totally had its advantages.)

"LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO MY COVERS!" Naruto pointed irritably at the drying specks on his bed sheets. "If I don't end up killing you someday, I swear I won't die happy." Naruto groaned, slapping his forehead with his hand.

"There there. We'll have a funeral for your covers! White flowers and all!" Ino grinned, patting Naruto on the back and feigning sympathy. "Now none of that dying nonsense. You know I'm highly allergic to bullshit."

"I hate you." Naruto grumbled, pouting.

"And I hope God forgives you for that." Ino smiled, repainting her nails and examining them.

"Well I hope your face scares your date so much, he decides to run away."

"Don't worry Uzumaki; I won't cry if I get stood up."

"I hope your date tries to steal your money or something."

"Don't worry, if he tries any of that on me, I'll karate chop him back up from where he came from."

"Well tell your date to call me if you try to date rape him or something."

"I will not get date raped!"

"Hey who knows? What if the guy tries to drug you or something?!"

Ino sighed. "Fine, I'll bring Fluffers along with me. Better?"

"And how will an imaginary cat help you?" Naruto asked, staring at Ino in bewilderment. "I can't believe you would even suggest that."

"Fluffers is so _not_ an imaginary cat." Ino huffed, crossing her arms angrily like a five year old. "He's real if you _believe_." She insisted.

"Oh spare me the Disney crap." Naruto grabbed Ino's hairbrush and waved her over. "I'm not ten anymore."

"You're such a spoil sport." Ino whined, striding towards Naruto. "You need to stop seeing everything in shades of black and white."

"I don't." Naruto hissed, running the brush through Ino's long blonde hair. He smiled when he hit a knot and ran through it like no tomorrow (hearing Ino's scream of agony made him feel that much better). "Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm not colour blind."

"You are a madman." Ino cried in pain, rubbing the back of her head. "What has my beautiful hair ever done to you?"

"The mere existence gets my blood boiling." Naruto replied, grinning. He gently soothed the next few tangles in apology.

"Are you still mad at Sasuke about Sakura? Is this what it's about?" Ino asked, tilting her head to glance up at him. "I know I barely know your friends and all, but you've got to stop with the hating. For once look around and see what's _right_ with your life instead of finding all the things that are going _wrong_. Life doesn't have to be a ticking bomb if you don't want it to be."

"You're going to be late." Naruto threw the brush onto the bed and nodded at his Fox-shaped alarm clock. The clock read half past six. Ino and her mystery date were supposed to meet in fifteen minutes.

"Okay fine. You win this time." Ino pointed her finger in warning at Naruto before running onto the other side of the bed and grabbing her white puffy jacket. "Now my boy, are you going to take this hime to her carriage or what?" (The carriage in question was in fact not an orange pumpkin, but instead something _way_ better. Naruto's sleek new black Mercedes. And since the boy couldn't drive to save anyone's life, he gave the car to her as a gift. Man having rich best friends sure had its advantages.)

"What hime? All I see is an imaginary cat and a fat marshmallow of some kind with a hell lot of makeup on, glaring RIGHT at me. It's unnerving, really." Naruto joked, smirking deviously.

He barely missed the hairbrush thrown his way.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hi, I'm Hayashi Takuya." A guy with raven locks bowed politely at Ino. When he caught her staring appreciatively, he smiled, flashing white pearly teeth at her and all. He had large dark eyes framed with thick long lashes and luscious lips to boot. (Ino thought this would've been a perfect moment to say "I'd tap that" if she was with Naruto.)

"Hi. I'm Yamanaka Ino." Ino bowed also, in response. (She could already hear Naruto saying something like, "What? The Obaa-san has manners?") She sniggered a little at the thought.

Takuya held the chair out for her like a true gentlemen, before taking a seat himself. "So Ino, what do you like to eat?" Takuya inquired before thanking the (ogling) waitress for the tea.

"I like McDonalds." Ino replied, smiling in a dazed manner, before realizing that this was not quite the answer Takuya was seeking for. Ino died a little inside, right then and there. (Actually, make that a lot. He probably thought she was some fast-food freak or something. ARGH. Why wasn't she thinking properly? She'd been on tons of dates before! Oh right, you probably wouldn't either if there was this totally drool worthy guy sitting across from _you_ asking _you _what _you_ like to eat. Seriously, don't you just want to reply "I'd like to eat _you_ up baby" or something of that sort?)

"Haha, yeah it tastes great, but not too healthy for the body. Anyway, I meant what do you like to eat? As in what do you want to eat here?" Takuya poured her some tea before glancing curiously at her, awaiting her answer.

"I like to eat a lot of things. I'm always up for trying new things though." Ino hoped her answer sounded coherent enough. She let out a small breath of relief when she saw Takuya grin at her response.

"Okay, then I hope you don't mind if I order? I've been here quite a few times and you have got to try some of the stuff here. It's _so_ good." Takuya winked, waving the (eager) waitress over.

"Take it away sir." Ino laughed, before mentally praying to God, hoping that she wouldn't do anything too Naruto-like, in other words idiotic or moronic—whoops too late, there goes her tea. Well, maybe God called in sick today?

"Are you okay?" Takuya rushed over to her side and pulled her up. He handed her a wad of napkins as she swiftly wiped at the wet areas on her shorts and legs.

"I'm so sorry. I'm usually not this clumsy." Ino apologized, face flushed crimson in embarrassment. She smiled awkwardly before taking another napkin from Takuya and dabbing at a particularly large wet spot around the left of her crotch area. "Okay, please excuse me. I need to go to the washroom." Ino bowed a few times before scurrying off towards the washroom.

Once in the washroom, she rushed into an empty stall and pulled crazily at the toilet paper. After pulling about enough toilet paper to dry off a small horse, she ran under the hand dryer and started to dry her shorts while wiping at the wet spots with the toilet paper. As if to make things even _better_, her cell phone began to ring.

"_**I'm a hot guy, come pick me up**_!" Her cell phone blared into the quiet atmosphere of the washroom. Ino squeezed her eyes shut, bit her lip and hoped that no one else was inside the washroom with her. Oh boy, Uzumaki was seriously a dead man for messing around with her ring tones again.

With still a large wad of toilet paper in her left hand, she dug furiously through her bag with her right (she couldn't seem to figure out when that can of pepper spray made its way into her bag. It probably had the help of Naruto). Where in the world was that blasted phone? After a few more moments of "_**I'm a hot guy, pick me up baby. Pick me up now! I need you**_" Ino triumphantly held up her phone before answering it.

"YOU!" Ino snarled into the phone, the angry sound of her voice resounding off the marble walls. "CHANGED MY RINGTONE…INTO THIS."

"Hey Ino baby, I missed you too. How's the date going?" Naruto chirped blithely into the phone. "Is the guy as hot as me?"

Ino glanced around before slipping into a stall and locking it. She clutched tightly onto her phone with her shoulder and ear. She decided that her shorts would most likely dry faster if she took them off and dried them with the rest of her toilet paper.

"The guy is way hotter than you'll ever dream to be." Ino smirked into the phone. "You'll be lucky if you could even be one fiftieth as hot as him."

"How much did you pay the guy to make him stay then? Unless he left right after he saw your face?" Naruto shot back in response. (Ouch, the burn hurt.)

Ino, forgetting about the two T-shirts still in her shorts, pulled her shorts off in one go, only to realize something was amiss when she heard something go "plop" into the water. Ino sprung up and glanced down into the toilet bowl before promptly letting out a shrill _shriek_.

"OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD!" Ino howled into the phone. "OH MY GOD!!! MY T-SHIRTS JUST FELL INTO THE TOILET!" She made a face before swiftly fishing her soaked T-shirts out of the toilet bowl (at least she didn't number one or two in the toilet). "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"

Naruto would've replied with something witty and comical…if he wasn't already too busy laughing his ass off.

"Naruto bring me two of your shirts. Get here now!" Ino seethed into the phone while plopping angrily down onto the toilet seat. She placed her purse and shorts on top of the toilet paper roll and her T-shirts on her lap. "I'll be waiting in the ladies washroom."

"NANI?!" Naruto immediately stopped laughing and started screeching. "WHAT?!"

"Well how would you feel if the girl you were on a date with came out of the washroom with less ass?" Ino hissed crossly. "I for one wouldn't be very turned on!"

"Okay good point. I'll be there in ten. Hang tight." Naruto sighed into the phone before pausing. "Wait, wait, what? What do you mean you'll wait for me in the ladies washroom?"

"Make ten, five. And it means you're going to get your ass into the little girl's room and deliver me your T-shirts PERSONALLY." Ino yelled into her phone before ending the conversation there and stuffing her phone back in her bag.

Three and a half minutes after her (_loving_) conversation with Naruto, someone entered the washroom and gently called out her name. "Um excuse me, is there a Miss Yamanaka Ino in here?" A tiny squeaky voice questioned.

"Um, yeah, I'm in a stall." Ino called out in response.

"Okay. Mister Takuya just wanted to know if you're all right." The small voice said.

"I'm fine. Tell him I'm so sorry for the wait and that I'll be out very soon." Ino laughed sheepishly. "Thank you very much!"

The person seemed satisfied with her answer and left the washroom.

"Uzumaki! Please hurry up!" Ino murmured, rubbing her hands together in a plea. "If you get here within ten seconds I swear I'll never switch your underwear with Tsunade's thongs ever again! Right Fluffers?!"

"INO!" As if on cue, the door of the washroom flew open. "IT'S YOUR BELOVED AWESOME, AMAZING, COOL, HOT, SWEET, NICE, KIND, BEYOND FANTASTIC, BEST FRIEND NARUTO! NOW GET YO FLAT ASS OUT HERE!"

Ino flung her stall door open and practically threw herself at Naruto. "NARUTO MY LOVELY OTOUTO!" She drew him into a tight hug, wrapping her arms around him and cradling his head in her chest. (Under normal circumstances Naruto would have definitely tried to cop a good feel, but it was currently getting very hard for him to breathe due to the lack of air, courtesy of Ino's killer tight embrace around his freaking neck.)

"I have never been so happy to see you in my life!" Ino cried out dramatically, stroking Naruto's blonde hair.

They must've made the oddest site. Ino bottomless (in her black uh, undergarment), squishing a struggling Naruto's face into her rather large chest area, while clutching tightly on two male sized T-shirts.

…

One would advise taking a picture. It would last longer.

Of course, at this moment some poor unknowing soul decided to enter the washroom. The girl tucked a loose strand of long silky smooth pink hair behind her ear before glancing up as she pushed the washroom door open. Her eyes widened. And then she screamed.

Naruto quickly freed himself from Ino's death grip upon hearing the piercing screech. He spun around, covering his ears before he caught site of the girl. He cursed in Japanese, and then in English for good measure. "Oh fuck."

"N-Naruto-kun?" The girl's voice wavered.

"…Sakura-chan…" He whispered.

"What's going on in here?" A male with striking features (and hair about as appealing as a chicken's ass) ran into the washroom. He pulled the stunned girl closer to him. He glanced at Naruto and Ino before a flicker of recognition passed through his dark eyes.

"Uzumaki." He acknowledged, after a slight hesitation.

"Uchiha." Naruto's expression grew darker.

"Um, Yamanaka?" Ino added, just for the sake of it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chapter two done!  
Thank you all so much for reviewing the last chapter!  
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter as well.  
Please Review! Reviews give me the inspiration to write! ;D


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